It’s been too long since I’ve journaled out loud. That’s really the whole reason why I started a blog eleven years ago anyway… it wasn’t to make money. It wasn’t to share products I had made. It was simply to share my thoughts, experiences, failures, and victories. It wasn’t until about eight months ago that I decided to take my blogging to another level, but I didn’t realize what would happen in the midst.
Honestly, I stopped sharing. I stopped telling you my latest hiccup. I stopped sharing my rants. And to me, that means I stopped keeping it real. Instead, I started posting what I thought my “audience” wanted to read. I started creating content, products, and the like out of desperation of “making it” in the business blogging world. But now I feel like I’ve lost my voice.
So let me start by apologizing to you for not doing the very thing that I always tell you to do – keep it real, and if it ain’t real, don’t keep it. And don’t forget to live unapologetically authentic. While it is my passion and desire to help people, I’ve realized in more recent days that I have become consumed by it, almost like a drug – all while using it to hide and cover up how I am really feeling… neglecting what is really going on in my personal life.
Truth is, I’m struggling. Everything is so loud and echos like a ripple from a rock thrown into water. Small situations seem so intense. My emotions are getting the best of me and things have to change. It’s time for another priority check and I have to come to terms with some hardcore things. My husband and I had a conversation today and by the end of it I had to admit that I have started cluttering my days with doing this, doing that, creating this, starting that, scheduling this, and signing up to do that… and it hit me. I’m using all of this “doing” to medicate and resist dealing with what’s really going on with me.
I love him so much because of his abilities to discern things and also be literal – two areas I don’t do so well in. He told me I was a much happier person when I disciplined myself and stuck with my priorities… the kids respond better… my marriage is strengthened… and I’m just happier.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well, because these are the things no one wants to talk about. We hide behind Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, and all the others – doing a damn good job of pretending that everything is okay, all while we can be a complete mess inside. We can be ready to call it all quits, pack up shop, and throw the peace sign and no one would ever see it coming. How do I know this? Because I can pretend with the best of them. Why, though? Have we really become such a selfish and prideful society that’s scared of what people will think to the point of keeping in the fact that we need help… that we need companionship… that we need people we can actually depend on??
The answer is a simple: yes.
Yes, we have become that kind of people.
So here’s what I’m gonna do – and you can join me or keep looking at your computer screen or phone screen like I’m crazy… I’m getting my sugar honey iced tea together (again). I’m coming against the negative thoughts with positive ones (again). I am re-prioritizing my life to put what’s most important first (again). And I keep saying again, again, again because with each one I’m embracing the fact that I’m not perfect. I mess up. And I have some major lessons to learn. So I might as well quit acting like this is my first rodeo, or that it’ll be my last. Because it won’t be. Someone said this the other day – in school you learn the lesson then you take the test, but in life you take the test then you learn the lesson. That really did bless my whole life because it’s so true.
Perhaps you’re in a good place. Things are going peachy and you got your shhhtuf together. Good for you. Just put my words on the shelf for later then. But for those of you are are hiding behind social media, pretending to be one way, holding in the brokenness that you desperately wish someone would come alongside and help you fix… this is not the end. It’s not over until YHVH says it’s over. Keep fighting. Keep pressing. Keep living. Keep moving. Keep breathing. Keep believing. Keep interceding. Keep praying. Keep progressing. Just. Keep. Going. Until your victory is won!
Until next time,